Phase I of Judd Becomes An Aussie is Set.

I am a 6’2″, 200-lb., ball of emotions right now. While they are all of the “good” variety, the intervals at which they flare up and die down can be a bit exhausting.

She is my whole Life.

She’s seen my scratch myself, put up with me when I’m Stinky, heard my obnoxious laugh, and heard me sob like a child. She’s seen me Angry, Hurt, and Bitter. She’s seen me Elated, Truly Happy, and Completely in Love. She knows me better than I know myself.

And she Loves me with all that she is.

For the first time ever, I feel my Life is truly beginning tomorrow when I get on that plane and travel to a place that will eventually be my Home.

To say that I’ve never done anything like this is highly interesting in the context of the fact that those that know me seem to have always figured that I would, or could.

I’m Happy, for the first time in my life, I’m truly Happy, and it’s only going to get better.

Life… whooboy, Life is a tough one sometimes, but it is a-changin’, and I’ve never been more eager or excited for that change.

The mandatory “Harassment” meetings at work this week meant some simple things to me at first, basically involving a free lunch and the opportunity to nap while being walked through a PowerPoint slide presentation on seemingly obvious shit.

Only upon looking at the provided notes to the meeting did I realize what a walking Law Suit that I am.

“Fuck,” I said loudly to a co-worker next to me, “I’ve done at least half the shit on this fuckin’ list!”

He attempted to allay my fears by telling me that he’d most certainly done the other half, but I was sincerely worried at that point.

I’d almost expected the meetings to educate me in some of the finer aspects of all the shit I do or say at work that is regarded as highly inappropriate, but I promptly fell asleep and missed the first two hours.

I woke up just in time for the pizza to be delivered to our offices, and then spent the next hour making juvenile and immature comments under my breath, eliciting snickers from my surrounding co-workers and most certainly lowering my standing with management, who were also nearby.

The apex of my childish antics was reached when the presenter, a lawyer who routinely represents companies in defense of harassment suits, launched into a spiel about “tort laws,” and I’d lowered my comedic talents enough to actually say out loud, “Yeah, I had a Cherry one a them for breakfast.”

By the time the meetings ended, and most of the IT department was dicking around about “I find that offensive” or “I’m being harassed by this” I realized that my Short-Timer status meant that I could get away with just about anything at this point, and I took full advantage.

I’d pretty much assumed that, if I hadn’t been fired for most of the shit that I currently pull at work, I certainly wouldn’t be NOW. However, telling one of the Senior Developers to “get her sweet ass over to my cube” or explaining to one of my bosses that I have a neurological defect causing my middle finger to be raised when being informed of Poor Work Performance, may have been a bit much.

This is compounded by the assorted nicknames that I have for most of my co-workers. I’m a hockey player, we do this by nature, so I thought nothing of taking someone’s last name of “Schmitt” and turning it into “Schmitty” and eventually, “Shitty Schmitty,” or referring to the two Indian women I work with as P.I.G.’s. I felt like I’d explained myself enough by stating that it stood for Pretty Indian Girls, but in light of the meetings and the new awareness of MyCompany’s Harassment Policy, I started to wonder when the other shoe would drop.

When an important project has hit our desks, I’ve openly threatened the life of a co-worker if it wasn’t completely successful. I refer to my immediate boss, CoWorkerBuddy, as “AssMonkey” routinely, and I’ve told the only female developer in our division that the reason she couldn’t figure out a certain piece of code was because she’s “just a dumb girl.” I’ve repeatedly punched the Head of the Q/A department in the kidneys after she’s caught a large oversight in my work, and when being questioned seriously about a highly important project, I’ve shot VPGuy in the chest with a Nerf Dart.

For chrissakes, I mooned the head of our Business Intelligence division at our last golf outing.

I should be so fucking fired.

I found out after the meetings that the Higher-Ups were strongly considering canning my ass upon hearing the news of my departure for Australia because I had the potential to be a “liability” and BossGuy, whom I’d been casually displaying my neurologically defected middle finger to all day, was the only reason they hadn’t. He’d gone to bat for me in the biggest way, and I felt like a bit of an asshole for flipping him off and peppering his office window with a fully automatic Nerf Dart Gun.

All in all, the meetings seemed to try and say, “Don’t be an Asshole and, if you are, make sure you’re at least funny to Everyone involved.”

I work with good people, Thank Dog, and they’re gonna miss me. Shit, they already are.

I’ll probably be updating from Oz, but it may be a while.

I’d like to give special Thanks to all the wonderful, thoughtful, souls that have emailed me words of encouragement lately, I really, really appreciate it, even that dude that sent me pictures of the Australian snake eating a kangaroo.

Oh, and thanks to Rue for the beer and the good times the other night, TruckerBoy and I got along famously, and it was much good times.

Best of luck too, to Pedro and Jenna, entwined in their own Long Distance Intraweb Love Affair. Two of my favoritest people hooking up… makes Judd very happy. Much like my good friend of the Swine variety (who’ll be presiding over our Montana-based nuptials), and the Canuck and the Brit* in sweltering Houston, Love Abounds and, when you think about it, making Judd happy is really all that matters. Keep that in mind folks. Heh.

*I still don’t know if you guys are “public” with it yet, so no linky goodness.

Packing clothes that I won’t wear until I’m living there and writing out instructions for the feeding and care of Asshead and her finned-friends awaits me tonight so I will update later, from my new home.

Wish me Luck.

Leave a Reply