Sandbagger ? One who plays several levels below that which are more suited to their abilities. See: ringer; cherry-pickin? bitch; slackoff.
This guy we played against last night is probably the best roller hockey player in the state. I know that?s like saying someone is the best at shadow puppets or drunk miniature golf, but he gets thousands in endorsements, equipment and teenage pussy, so, evidently, he?s made it worth something. Chances are, if you?ve seen any ads for roller hockey equipment, you?ve seen his picture.
Why then, you might ask, is this assclown playing in a “B” level beer league? Excellent question. The answer: To get ridiculed mercilessly by a large Mexican.
This sandbagger hasn?t played in 6 weeks, but shows up for his mediocre team?s first playoff game against my team, and his team is figuring on an easy win, mainly because he can skate around everyone else like they?re fucking parking cones.
Almost everyone at that goddam rink kisses this guy?s ass, because he?s good at hockey, a minor celebrity and a cocky, bitchass punk. My team couldn?t give four shits less about Bitchass and his notoriety. Not that they want to go out and fuck him up or anything, but there a definite feeling of apathy while he?s busy scoring double-digit goals on my fat ass. I don?t want him to score, of course, but it?s like pissin? in the wind sometimes.
Late in the first period, Bitchass has the puck behind our net, playing with it like it?s his small, Irish penis and he meets Gonzo, our pride and joy of a shit-talker. Gonzo is a 6?2″, 200 pound, tattooed Mexican with rock-a-billy chops who sounds like a sober Tommy Chong when he speaks. When they collide, something resembling a dropped bar of soap at the County lock-up ensues and Bitchass gets up a-whinin?, “Reh-eff, that?s a fuckin? trih-ip”. I tried to politely remind Bitchass that it?s not technically tripping if you step on your own stick (regardless of whether or not someone was attempting anal penetration sans lube), but all that came out was, “shut up the fuck up, you pussy.”
Bitchass is pissed now. No more Mr. Slow-and-easy-with-the-in-and-out, oh no, gonna try and give it to me hard, now. Problem is, him being a cocky punk and all, he doesn?t play as well when he?s pissed. We start to catch up while Bitchass isn?t scoring, and the whole time I can see Gonzo jawin? at him at every face-off.
There?s finally a face-off in our zone and I can hear both of them:
Gonzo: How much bigger does the net need to be for you to hit that shit, man?
Bitchass: (cockily) I?m a better shot than you?ll ever be.
Gonzo: Yeah, I seen you on them posters for those skates, you?re pretty fucking cute.
Bitchass: (with cocky-ass smirk) Yeah? Want me to sign a pair for you?
Gonzo: (glaring) Naw, but you can SUCK MY DICK IN THE SHOWER? (now smiling broadly and speaking redneck) AH?D LAHK THAY-AT!
The rink went eerily silent after that until I began giggling uncontrollably and started making sucking noises. “Shloop, shloop, shlchloooooop…” Then, even the ref was laughing.
We went on to win, 8-4. I?d tell you it was because I?m a fucking rockstar and I was a wall against the best player in the state, but it?s probably because every time Bitchass touched the puck, you could to hear a subtle chant, “slurpee? sluuuuurrrrpeeee…”
That?ll throw you off your game, I bet.
At 10, I played for PussyAss too, and, sho?nuff, we got spankety-spanked. I told everybody who?d listen that he missed his playoff game for a fuckin? Jimmy Buffet concert because he and his boyfriend are groupies and that they can?t give enough head after a show. Heh heh.