So, I?m feeling much better. Many thanks to all of you wonderful souls who had something to say, you know who you are, I sure appreciate it.
Life, in fact, couldn?t be any better, and I?m pretty sure I feel this way mostly because of the sharp contrast between being a miserable fuck and feeling like the ol? JuddHole again.
At times like these, when exciting things fail to happen to me within journal entries (daily at least), I still feel the need to put something interesting in here and hopefully entertain, at the very least. I would hope that even my bouts with sadness and profound moodiness would be entertaining but that may depend on your level of sadistic-tendences.
I refuse to tell you anything about my lunch, shopping, or other inanities for the very reason that when I relive them in my head they bore me to tears, and I can?t imagine that I?d want to read about them.
Therefore, for today, I?ve compiled a list of emails that we receive from MyCompany?s web site. Our Customer Service chick is awesome at handling this shit, but she sends them on to me, for grins, and I send her my comments back, for ball-tingling excitement. I?ve removed any names and places in hopes that posting this doesn?t get me in a shitload of trouble.
These were all received from the ?Contact Us? link that asks users to pose questions or send comments concerning our reports and reporting system.
Our company sells an online report consisting of information on doctors. We provide standard data, and that is ALL that we provide, which makes some of these emails slide greasily into the realm of the violently disturbed.
I didn?t make any of this shit up. These people really are this fucking helplessly ignorant.
Retarded-water-buffalo-rapist questions are in italics:
BODY: If you’d like to read all about giraffes (this is actually 100% relevant to the medical question at hand here) then you can waste as much time as I have on your web site… OR, I have a very novel creative idea… why don’t you list ALL your specialties BY ALPHABETIC ORDER (rather than dividing them up into “childrens”, cardiovascular”, etc, etc, what kind of fucking moronic idiots do you fucking idiots hire for a webmaster??? If you cannot hire any better quality of webmaster than that, then I’d certainly not want to go to any doctor that would list through your site either.
Fuck you for wasting my time.
From,
PissOff
Dear PissOff,
We apologize that you feel our specialty search is disorganized. We feel that it works for the majority of our customers, those who are not complete asswads, and we have a suggestion for you: Take a fucking Chill Pill. Better yet, take two, the first with a sip of water, then the second, douse in gasoline, ignite, and shove directly up your whiny bitch ass.
********************************************************
BODY: Mr. XXXX,I realize your and your wife’s grief, but you must realize there is someone still out there who actually did shoot the gun. Police know who is was and so do a number of people in the area. It was not XXXXX, everybody knows that but you would do well to question police on the other man. They kept you out of the courtroom when testimony was given as to the guilt of the man who actually did it. They framed XXXXX because they thought he would be an easy try. Please, if you want justice, seek the truth about the other man.
Dear LivingTheLifeOfASoapOperaAsYourOwn,
It would be a mistake to call you a ?nutjob? as it would only make nutjobs feel fucking crazy. No one at MyCompany can hypothesize what manner of gotard you happen to be, so we?ve decided to hire out a hit ma? uh? ?independent contractor? to visit you soon in order that we can reduce the aggregate amount of nutjobbery in the Universe.
Please remember, while this may be unpleasant, we do it because we care.
********************************************************
BODY: I read about the “Super Foods” everyone needs. Dr. XXXXX XXXXX seems to have great wisdom.
What does he suggest that those of us who suffer from ‘flatulence’ do to “tolerate” such foods as:
Beans,
Broccoli,
Spinach and “green leafy” foods,
Yogurt and “dairy products”??
Is there any way at all to contact the Doctor and ‘chat’ with him?
Dear Farty McStupidPants,
We?ve ?chatted? with the good doctor and his advice was to just let ’em rip, baby, because those of us here at MyCompany, who never made it out of 6th grade intellectually, happen to think ?flatulence? is “funny” and should only have to be ?tolerated? by those around you. If they don?t find your ?flatulence? amusing, you should offer to stuff a box of Tic-Tacs in their rectums, one by one.
The Doctor also pointed out that you forgot to mention such foods as:
Beer,
Nachos,
Beer and Nachos,
Beer,
Pizza,
Beer and Pizza.
We would very much appreciate it if you took your stank ass elsewhere now.
********************************************************
BODY: i’m looking for a doctor to perform a penial emplant/peninal pump.sex drive is present but erection last five to ten minutes.
Dear Inflatable Von LimpyWang,
?Penial emplant? operations have been discontinued nationwide as a result of a rash of serial balloon-tying-mime incidents. Details cannot be disclosed.
We recommend necrophilia as the best way to make those five to ten minutes count as best they can. We would be happy to provide names and addresses of area morgues should you need them.
********************************************************
BODY: i am looking for a physician that did breast augmentations in 1988-1990 in XXXXX, new mexico. the procedure was done in his office. I do not remember his name. i need to find a record of this surgery. thank you if you can please help me.
Dear Chesty McSaddlebags,
Having anything wrong with your fake funbags should be the least of your problems since you can?t even remember the name of the fucking doctor that gave them to you.
We can give you a brief recap of the surgery for your records, the doctor:
Hope this helps you out.
********************************************************
BODY: I was trying to find a doctor for about 15 minutes, selected all the choices. You had FREE written all over the place. Then when i go to get my results, i have to pay 10 bucks. WHat the fuck is that. You fuckers are just greedy little assholes trying to find any way to make a little money. Go FUCK yourselves.
Dear Pissy Fagnosticator,
You?ve given us good reason to question our motives concerning our site, and we agree that we are indeed, ?greedy little assholes.? We?ve chosen to give our reports away for free and pay all 70 of our employees in Pez samples from the grocery store across the street.
We?ve expanded our reports to now offer information we feel could benefit you such as:
We feel you will find these revamped reports to be very beneficial.
********************************************************
BODY: i am looking for a psychiatrist familiar with and has patients who knows about paranormal, visions, dreams of death and disasters that come to pass, and has seen and felt the other side.
Dear LostAllTouchWithRealityAndDesparatelyNeedDrugs,
My spirit guide told me you’d be emailing soon and we?ve already gotten this information together for you.
The doctor’s name is U.R. Ayfukinkook. He’s very in touch with people like yourself and informs us he routinely ?feels the other side.?
We can assure you that the fact that he told us this while his hand was down the back of his pants has no bearing on his credibility.
We have also added a column in our search criteria called ?has seen and felt the other side? so that you may more easily search on these types of doctors.
********************************************************
BODY: Why when you pay $24.95 plus tax fro the South Beach Diet is there nothing for a vegetarian??
Very Very Disappointing. There are supposedly 12.5 million vegetarians in the US.
Dear WhatTheHellSiteDidYouHonestlyThinkYouWereOn,
Apparently you have our site and services confused with those offered at
www.youreacompletegotard.com.
Before filling out an online form, we strongly suggest that you first bang your head repeatedly against a solid surface while chanting, ?Why am I so fucking stupid??
For best results, complete no fewer than 173 repetitions of such and, if you lose consciousness, when you wake, simply pick up where you left off.
********************************************************
BODY: You are listing an XXXXX XXXXX in Arizona. She is currently being charged with NUMEROUS counts of animal cruelty. She could be charged with a felony. Do you feel comfortable recommending her on your listing?
I would not feel comfortable sending ANY human to her, let alone an animal.
Perhaps you should do some research to see if you want to keep her on your list. That is just my personal opinion and I wanted to make you aware in case you were not. I’m sure you can find information on the horrible charges on the XXXXX website, or on the court or justice department pages in XXXXX, Arizona.
Dear YouSeriouslySpentTimeTypingThat,
Thank you for your diligence. We?ve spoken to our Database people, and have now removed the field, “Actively Abuses Animals” from our reports.
We?ve been informed that this still won?t exclude those that are classified as ?enjoy sex with deceased animals?, as the issue of whether or not this is ?abuse? is still up for debate.
********************************************************
BODY: can you get gray hair from stress, i know that heritary plays a factor
Dear YourParentsObviouslyHatedYou,
Our research indicates that gray hair is predominantly caused by receiving emails from people who are so incredibly fucking stupid that they can?t even start a car/toaster, not from ?heritary?.
To spare your natural hair?s color, we recommend avoiding such folks.
********************************************************
BODY: I want to know how to add a VERY URGENT message to a doctors report so no one else will enocounter the horrible surgical results I did? This man is NOT a plastic surgeon for facial plastic surgery…I cant close my eyes…I have blurred vision .the forehead lift is horrible…there are retention stitches NEXT TO MY EYE!!!! My cheeks have uneven indentations. when I smile one of my cheeks is “Stuck” to the bone of my face”..I have scars that have to be taken off my face now by another plastic surgeon caused by him. My eyelid is scared and below my eyes have half inch scars. The sides of my face have four inch scars…he did the facelift in front of my hairline instead of in it. a laser surgeon is going to try to minimize those. This has to be added to his history. How do I do this before he cuts someone else??
Dear Stitchy Von Frankenstein,
Without the doctor?s name we can only assume that you are referring to a doctor practicing the specialty referred to as, ?Cutting up drunken idiots.? While this specialty is rare, you would do best to, in the future, avoid any doctor that:
We recommend you pour steak sauce on what?s left of your face, lay down in the alley you received your operation in, and let the rats chew your head gristle into little brown turds. Seriously, is that any worse than how it is now?
********************************************************
BODY: i am thinking of renting a room from someone who claims to be psychatrist, he is, I believe to be from lattin america, he said he is rarly home becase he travelsto diferent citys, to do therapy. Something seems a little stange to me, I just want to know if he is legit, I am meting with him tonigt at 7:30 pm, to discuss rentting the room, there are already people rentting other roomes he has. i spoke with them and they say he is a nice man, but I want to be sure he is what he says he is, I didn’t find anything in your dirrectory. He told me he was in town seeing a few patients yesterday (6-03-04). This is Texas, so would he be listed in the data base if he practises in the area and was lisensed in an other country, could you find any information on him for me, please?
Dear WeAreNotFuckingMindReaders,
We at MyCompany do not offer rental advice, especially when you don?t provide us with a fucking name, but we still feel we can help you. This may be a difficult task as your head seems firmly wedged in your rectal canal, but we are willing to give it a go.
Things with this ?psychatrist? may seem ?stange? because, for starters, you have the spelling capabilities of a constipated orangutan. He may be from ?lattin America? but it?s a good bet that he?s speaking a language you have no grasp of called… English.
We can offer the advice that, if his ?patients? or other ?renters? seem to be of the simian variety, you should fit right in.
Try to remember that the BLUE button is for food and the RED button gives you a mild shock.
********************************************************
BODY: I am a medical typist searching for the proper name and spelling of what sounds like “Dr. XXXXX” who performs prophylactic endarterectomies of the right carotid system for stenosis. Thank you!
Dear UsesBigWordsToImpressPeople,
First, try a fucking phone book. None of us here at MyCompany have ever heard of the shit that you just spouted so freely.
It did make us giggle convulsively when you mentioned ?prophylactic? and, to be honest, everything after that was just a blur.
If you want to sound so goddam smart, go to your local grocery store and ask the clerk if he?s heard of your goddam smartass doctor. If he hasn?t, we recommend you rake the tied-down-pen-chain-on-the-counter across his neck until you can ask the manager your question, smartypants.
********************************************************
BODY: I have used cocaine and as a result my septom has damage. Is there any kind of surgery I can get to help repair it?
Dear DrugsTurnedMyBrainToTapioca,
Wow, ?septum? damage? What were you “using” the cocaine for? We at MyCompany use it to spice up our baked dishes, but that’s never hurt our “septoms” before.
Surgery? No. You should try “snorting” the cocaine and, if you’ve done this already, try snorting more. A pound at least.
And then some fiberglass shards. And Drano.
That should fix you right up.
Idiot.
********************************************************
BODY: Please send me a magizine of your products can’t find. I’m looking for a Egg creat back supporter for my bed. 111-555-1111
Dear WasteOfOxygen,
You appear to be under the misconception that we cater to people that haven?t shat what was left of their intelligence out of their retarded asses.
Please take what can be referred to as ?your head? and wedge it firmly under the nearest 16-inch radial tire. Since you provided us with your phone number, please wait there until we call with further instructions.
********************************************************
BODY: My husband received 220 volts of electricity at work. Do you know of a Doctor that specializes in electrical shock survivors? We are having trouble finding a physician that knows and “believes” what he is going through is the result of the electrical shock. We are so desperate to find help with this.
Dear MaybeHesJustStupid,
If your husband exhibits symptoms such as: Frequently wetting himself, forgetting his name, or finding Wayne Brady funny, we suggest that maybe he?s just a drooling fucking moron, and you should proceed with the systematic elimination of his life-providing air-supply.
If you truly ?believe? that his symptoms are from electric shock and are seeking a physician, we can recommend any that are under the specialty heading ?SADISTS.?
We?ve found that they EXCEL in matters of electrical shock.
Good Luck.
My heart goes out to anyone who works in any facet of Customer Service in this day and age. The exceptionally retarded seem to be running amok, and, without you fine folks, people like myself would be instructing them to find the nearest screwdriver and plunge it into their ear.