Making a Really Fkn Good Salad

There was a time in my life when, if someone asked me about eating salad, I would’ve responded, “Always do!  I pop that sprig right into my mouth just before I dig into the steak.”

Nowadays, I still don’t make it the Entire Meal, but it can certainly be a star.  This is the one I make with cheap and nearby ingredients.

First, go to your favourite Green Grocer and don’t buy this shit at Coles or Woolies.  The Big Boys probably spray it with Killyadeads or Cancerstarters and the Little Guys need all the help they can get.  Plus, they’re more likely to have locally-grown produce instead of garlic grown in a camp in China, fertilised with human excrement and then bleached white to hide it’s poo faults.

One head of Cos Lettuce.  In Americaland, we called it “Romaine” and I’m still not convinced it’s the same shit.  But this is the one you can get at the GG and it’s yum on sandwiches too.

Two tomatoes.  Go ahead and buy them by the bag if you go through them quickly like we do, and keep them for sandwich use as well.  Go sandwiches!

One capsicum.  In Americaland, we called ’em “Bell Peppers” or even just “Peppers” but that’s kind of dumb really.  Get a green one if you like paying less and hiding the fact that they’re in there from your 5-yo who has no reason not to like them other than she’s sometimes a turdface.  Really only using a half of one, but the rest can be saved for the orphanage.  Totally kidding!  Screw the orphans, use it for your sandwiches!

One cucumber.  The cheap ones, not necessarily the “Burpless” ones.  Yes, that’s what they’re called and they fkn rock in sushi, but in salads and Orphan Haters… I mean, sandwiches, you won’t know the difference.  Plus, they soak up spices like the tomato does, so are useful in ways that will probably get you laid.  You’ll only use about a quarter of it, so save the rest to use when you despise the poor yet love easy-make sandwiches!

One packet of basil.  I used to say “bay-zil” with the flat American “a”.  Then I must’ve heard it said “bah-zil” enough times to start calling it that, but wife makes fun of me every time I say it that way because she says it “bay-zil” without the American-ness.  You’ll only pluck a few leaves off, maybe 4 or 5, but you can use the rest for… something else.  Probably not sandwiches, unless you are Super Crazy.  Mostly, I bag the rest up and freeze it and will use it in a Thai and Lime salad that I’ll show you later.

One carrot.  Cheapest veg you can buy and SO versatile.  I buy it by the bag for cheaper than ONE FREAKIN’ CAPSICUM.  Bloody hell.  Anyway, get a cheese grater, the kind with the Big Holes, and prepare thyself for Salad Awesome.

Extra Virgin Olive Oil.  If you’re cooking, I mean even preparing meals, you need the 12 litre bottle in the pantry with the little 300ml glass bottle with dandy spout that you refill.  This shit goes in EVERYTHING and if you differ in opinion with me on this, then close this browser window, go out into the driveway, open the car door, then put your head in it and bang it shut on your head a few times.

Why “extra” virgin?  I don’t know.  For some reason, they wanted to use olives that haven’t even been kissed before.  Like, they’ve never even seen a picture of a Boy Olive’s penis, not even in Sex Ed class with all the other olives.  Shit is good though, use it in everything or do the car-door trick now.

One Lemon.  Not as cheap as they should be, and you can certainly use the $1.49 bottle of Chemically-Made Lemon Juice of Laboratory Acids, but it’s not as good, surprisingly.

Ready?  GO, GO, GO!

1) Pull out about 4 big leaves off the lettuce.  Trim the thick and tasteless white bottom, then give a nick to the top of the leaves where they’re kind of burnt-looking.  Then give ’em a rinse under the tap and shake ’em out, because I swear on your mother, I found a still-wriggling Lettuce Bug in that shit once right before it hit the bowl.  I’ve never told my wife this, so don’t you tell her either.

Lay the leaves in a stack, then run your Serrated Knife of Awesome up the middle, then lay one stack on top of the other and do it again, effectively quartering them.  Then slice at about 2cm thick all the way up.  Chuck ’em in the bowl to get a start on this salad and really feel your chest swell up with Cheffitude.

2) Get that Huge-Holed Grater (and make all the jokes you can about that one girl in High School) and grate the entire carrot into the bowl.  If you just press the carrot into the grater, it’ll probably snap or be really hard and piss you off.  Hold it at a slight downward-pointing angle.  Also, only really push in when you’re pushing down, instead of pushing in all the time.  If you scrape down and pull the carrot away before placing it at the top of the grater again, you’ll make much less mess than just running the damn thing up and down and up and down.  Friggin’ bits of carrot get EVERYWHERE, and when they dry they look like bloody goblin eyelashes and that’s friggin’ gross.

3) Cut the capsicum in half, then pull the stem and all that weird packing-foam white shit out, bang the thing against your hand to get all the seeds out.  Then slice it every 1cm or so until you have a pile of { thingos.  Then slice those again, 1cm, and put that in the bowl.

4) Cut about 5 inches of cucumber off the main Phallus, make a few dick jokes to your wife, in code of course if the children are listening.  Claim that you spoiled her to the children, a joke they won’t get, then slice it down the middle into two halves.  Lay them next to each other and slice them lengthwise into quarters, and more if you’ve got a REALLY big one.  Cucumber, that is.  I’m not talking about your penis.  You might not even have one.  Weird, but it happens.  Then cut into half-inch sections (or smaller depending on how much you like the crunch and/or despise Dick Jokes) and chuck ’em in the bowl.  Feel free to continue making Dick Jokes, because that’s allowed.

5) Cut the tomatoes in half down the middle from the top, cutting that gross little Tomato Anus right in the middle.  Then, go in at a slight angle and “notch” around the Anus on either side and pull it out.  What’s that?  You’ve got a Tomato Coring Tool?  Why the farts are you reading this then?  You’re so awesome you should write your own blog.  Now eff off.

Once the asshole is removed, from the tomato not your kitchen, then sliced the half in half, down the top, then lay it on it’s side and slice in half lengthwise.  Then turn it and cut it in 1cm cubes pretty much.  I like to save this bit for last usually, because it makes your cutting board look like a bad Horror Movie about diseased hookers, but if you do it now it gives you a chance to rinse it before the BAH-zzil and forget about the hooker joke.  Dump ’em in.

6) Get a proper knife now, as the serrated one is going to make your basil look like Swamp Thing’s boogers instead of little bits of tasty awesome.  Just dice the shit out of it, up and down and up and down, nice neat little chops.  Scrape that into the salad bowl.

7) Grab the Never Even Masturbated Olive Oil, and give a swirling pour around the bowl.  Make 2 passes and get about a tablespoon in there.  OH!  And the lemon.  Cut that in half and squeeze one half onto your fingers, letting the juice dribble through to the bowl but leaving the seeds and crap behind.  Or just pop the top on your Lab Creation Juice and squeeze a couple teaspoons in there.

8) Mix the shit out of that bastard.  Toss it like you’re in prison.  Spin it and throw it and feel the fresheness that’s so fresh it washes your goddam soul.

Now this is kid-friendly.  They can get those crap dressings to put on it, even a squeeze of friggin’ ketchup or mayo, or they can get nutty with Paul Newman’s dressing and you can invoice them for the next bottle if they don’t like it.

Once the kids are served, you can pop open a tiny can of tuna that’s always on sale at the end of the aisles.  Lemon Pepper, or Sweet Chili or Hides Nasty Fish Smell flavoured, they’re all good.  Open one up and dump it in.

OR cut up a few slices of deli ham, or if you’re a povvo bum like me, buy the yarmulka-looking ends off those huge logs of meat they slice at the meat counter.  They usually sell it wicked cheap compared to the actual meat, so they’re a killer deal.  I chop up a half of one of those and dump it on the salad and BAM!  It’s a fully-loaded meal.

9) Bowl up.  Then get your fancy pepper, the one with the grinder in the lid, and use liberally.  The pepper parties with the basil in ways that erase all of the pristine qualities of that Olive Oil, no question.

Also a sprinkle of salt, if you’re so inclined, or some Grated Parmesan Cheese.  Yeah, I know it smells like that sock you forgot in your football locker over the summer, but used conservatively on this salad, and it’ll make you sing things.

That’s it.  You can make a friggin’ Healthy As F*ck salad that the kids’ll like (shhhhh, the capsicum is our little secret) and dress as they please, and then you can Jazz The Shit out of it for you and Wifeage, even slicing some chili peppers in there or some Kalamatta Olives.  If it makes a child whine like a broken fan, then you’ll probably like it.

This serving size is good for up to 4 kids, as a side, and 2 adults, as a main.  That’s provided, of course, that you’re okay with putting a slice or two of ham or fried chicken on it.  The can of tuna works too, but is so healthy I almost feel guilty about what it might mean to my heart the next time I eat a Whopper.

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