Christ… I went and did it NOW…

I take it back. I take it ALL back. Mexico, I’m sorry I made fun of you. I’m so sorry that I was flippant about being able to speak your language. I’m sorry I made fun of your vendors and their wares. Lo siento, lo siento, lo siento.

I mean it… seriously, I’m sorry.

Now… can I have my stomach lining back, please? I’m pretty sure I left it in your toilets on about 47 separate visits. There’s a fair bit o’ flesh from my rectum that I could use back too. If you could get that stuff back to me, that’d be super.

 

Ugly Americans

 

I hate tourists. Possibly the only thing I could hate more than tourists, is being a tourist. Don’t get me wrong, I loved laying on the beach, drinking beer, and playing in the sand. I just hate watching people work so hard to please fat, lazy, fucks for little or no appreciation.

Think about it. How long do you think you could put up with bringing these people food and alcohol, tending to their every need, smiling the entire time, and putting up with their bullshit before you snapped and whacked them in the face with your serving tray?

I bet I’d make it…oh… at least 3 and a half minutes before flipping their chair over, jumping on their chest and gouging out their vital arteries with cocktail umbrellas and dirty forks.

The Girl overheard this conversation while I was pissing and I almost had to physically restrain her when I got back.

Fat Tourist Asshole: So… Roh-bear-toh you live around here?

Roberto (the nicest, bestest waiter in the universe): Si, senor.

Asshole: So, whaddya pay in rent for your place?

Roberto (smiling uneasily): Very good, senor. Can I get you another cervesa?

Asshole: My house cost me a MILLION dollars.

Roberto (acting impressed): Si senor, muy bueno, another cervesa?

Asshole: If you’re ever in the States, gimme a call, I’ll hook you up.

 

Who fucking talks like that?

I’ll tell you: We do. El Gordo, Feo Americanos. Us goddam fat, ugly, Americans go to these places and act like we’re king shit on the planet. Yeah, we spend our money there, but these poor folks put up with a lot of shit. I feel kind of guilty for being a part of it.

Not so guilty that I didn’t let Roberto bring me free beer all day. Free beer can override a shitload of guilt. Roberto just got bigger and bigger tips. From me and the Girl, not the Asshole.

It was nice to sit on the beach and do absolutely nothing. I got to watch game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals and listen to some annoying Canadian fucks pretend they knew anything about hockey. [REDACTED] I got to drink free beer and eat free food. This was awesome until my belly decided that said food would be far cooler leaving my body if it was in a nasty, yellow, stream, as quickly as possible.

It’s been thinking that for 2 goddam days now. Stupid belly.

We did make some friends though. It’s awesome to know someone local, and, if you don’t, to make some friends. We hitched a ride up into the hills with this guy, Fidel, and had awesome fish tacos at some remote stand in the pouring rain.

So cool to visit parts of the country where nobody speaks English and they all assume I speak only Spanish.

So cool to immerse yourself in a culture that is so different from your own.

So cool to buy things where the prices are never set, nor are the rules of driving.

So cool to eat at places that barely believe in rinsing, let alone washing, and to view the results of eating their food in the toilets that you can’t throw paper into. Heh.

So cool to haggle with vendors about tasteless crap that I could find at Wal-Mart and paint “Puerto Vallarta” on there myse… AAGGKLGKL… URRRRG…

sssstomach… c-c-c-cramping…

UGGH… Sorry… I’m sorry Mexico…

do you hear me? I was just KIDDING!

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh? damn you Mexico?

Uh-oh… shitIgottagorightnowwishmeluck