I?m sitting at work and my cell rings. It?s a goalie-buddy of mine who wants me to play for him tonight. He?s a good guy and has played for me before, so I owe him. Shit, he played at 6 and stayed to play for me at 10 once, I owe him BIG, not serious tongue-action, but I can at least fill in on his team.

So I say, ?What?s wrong pussyass? Shit man, you hurt? Are you bleeding out of your EYES? That?s the only way you?d miss a fucking playoff game.?

He tells me he?s going to a concert tonight.

Me: Okay, which concert? (Thinking something once in a lifetime, like Fleetwood Mac and Limp Bizkit)

PussyAss: Jimmy Buffet.

Me: You?re fuckin shittin? me.

PussyAss: What?s wrong with Jimmy Buffet?

Me: Nothing, if you?re fat, wear tropical shirts and are gay, and dude, if you call yourself a ParrotNose or what-the-fuck-ever those fags call themselves, then I?m kicking you in the crotch til you DO bleed out of your eyes.

PussyAss: Hey man, Buffet makes me feel good. I go to a Buffet concert and I?m on a happy-high for 2 or 3 days.

Me: That?s because of all the shit flowing through your bloodstream, you stupid bitch. That?s your fucking brain on drugs.

PussyAss: Naw man, I go to Metallica and for 2 days I wanna punch people and break shit. I go to Buffet, I?m happy and it?s the same amount of recreational pharmaceuticals.

Me: If you need to go see Jimmy Buffet to get your happy on and miss your fucking playoff game, then don?t let me stop you. Hell, I?ll play for you too, ?cause I owe you. But, the next time I see you, I?m tripping you and doing a fucking elbow-drop in the middle of your fucking back. See how your happy-on holds up after that, fucker.

PussyAss: Thanks, oh, by the way, Best Player, Next Best Player and Good Goddam Player (names have been changed to protect the vaginas) aren?t going to be there tonight. So, good luck.

Me: Fuck you.

I know it?s only roller hockey tonight and not ice, but shit, playoffs is playoffs.

If his team ends up losing bad, I?m going to start stuffing every puck near me into the net until his Goals Against Average is at about 50 and he won?t make the All-Star team.

Let him stuff that in his fucking ParrotHole.