I walked into work this morning, still brooding over the fact that I couldn’t lay in bed all morning and talk to my wife on the phone, and was welcomed by eager and excited glances on my way through CubeWorld.
“Christ, I’ve finally been axed. I knew it was coming, even before I dropped my pants and smacked my ass on the 18th hole of the Company Golf Tournament,” I thought.
A fellow developer, Cocky, greeted me with, “Congrats, dickface,” and I couldn’t have felt more heartfelt warmth from such a greeting than if he’d smacked me in the junk with my hackysack.
He laughed at my puzzled look and told me to check my office email.
I sat down, logged in, and saw this:
Subject: MyCompany Employee of the Quarter – Q2 2005
Although a bit late, I would like to announce, on behalf of MyCompany, the recipient of the Employee of the Quarter award for 2nd Quarter – 2005 — JuddHole! Judd was nominated for this award by a majority of the other 110 MyCompany employees, whose comments about him were:
“Very dedicated worker.”
“Hard worker and a good golfer too. Even though that foursome he mooned wasn’t with MyCompany…”
“Judd provides insight to our consumer static page strategy that is invaluable to generating more revenue on our consumer site. He is a dedicated team player that goes the extra mile to provide a quality product to our consumers and our company.”
“For his consummate programming skill and dedication to getting the NMM project up and running. For his significant contributions towards making MyCompany a wonderful, enjoyable working environment. For his faith in making large leaps with his life, such as getting married while on vacation in Australia…. “
“I’m not just voting for him because he’s got a nerfgun aimed at my temple. It seems like he may screw around alot, but Judd gets his work done efficiently and with high levels of quality, doubling our sales at one point. He sucks for leaving us and moving down under, but he deserves this award and happiness.”
The voting is anonymous so I don’t really know who those folks are, and I don’t remember threatening anybody with my dart gun though I probably did, but them’s some real nice words from my co-workers and I wanted to brag to the online world.
I got me a swanky reserved parking spot at the front of the building, a whopping 17 feet closer than where I normally park, and a shiny Gift Certificate for 300 bucks. I haven’t seen the bronze sculpture of my butt and golf clubs yet.
I’ve requested that they make out the Gift Certificate to “The Liquor Barn” but I’ve been told that ain’t gonna fly.
I’m kidding, I’m planning on buying my wife a bunch of underwear that says, “Judd’s Hole” on it… and beer… and nunchucks.
So, it’s all set. The Visa Shit is on it’s way, we’ll find out soon where we stand with it, and I’ve booked another FuckingHellShitPiss expensive ticket to Perth.
I turn 31 on the 7th, and I’m going to get everything I could ever have hoped or wished for that birthday.
Right. Fucking. On.
I’m not looking forward to the next month… I mean This Shit Sucks… but, for now, it’s Strawberry Spring in Oz.