I’m going to be a father.

Oh yeah, gonna have me some kids. The Girl doesn?t know it yet, but I replaced all her Pills with aphrodisiacs made from monkey testicles. She?s gonna be all over me and we?ll start the PROCREATING.

I made the decision to be a father when I discovered something beautiful. Toys.

The folks at work finally made a concerted effort, today, to try and get me to actually work. It took some doing, but I fought like a tiger, and only did the really easy shit that other people didn?t have time for (yeah, so they?re busy, so am I, you think it?s EASY to beat the computer at chess? Fucker cheats).

They finally resorted to just having me help clear out an unused cubicle so we could put a temp in there next week. Yay, physical labor. They pulled CoworkerBuddy in there with me, ?cause he?s big and strong like me (flexing like a big-boy).

He and I got the boxes moved, but then ManagerGal starts going through them and picking shit out.

THIS doesn?t belong here, THIS doesn?t go here, Judd run this over to LazyAssWhosOnlyHereTwoDaysAWeek?s cube, wouldya?

Then we found the GUNS.

TWO, count ?em, Two, perfectly-pristine-in-actual-working-condition Nerf Dart guns.

CoworkerBuddy says wistfully, ?Must?ve been from when the company actually let us have fun.?

SourAss.

So I shot him.

Point blank.

And the fucking thing stuck perfectly in the middle of his forehead.

I discovered I am a fucking ninja with Nerf Darts.

I can shoot with a practiced precision, and, when fired upon, can snatch the dart out of the air Jackie Chan-style.

Okay, half of ?em hit me in the face or the junk, but I always, ALWAYS get the shooter back. Usually when they?re trying to work. Suckers.

Sweet Jeezus, how did I go for so long here without TOYS?!?

So, I was planning on going to Toys ?R Us (even though they can?t get that fucking ?R? right, for chrissake) and I?m getting me some cool-ass toys.

I looked online and found Nerf Dart guns that have rotating cylinders, rapid-fire-semi-autos, clip-fed double whammys, and smaller Derringer-style single shots (perfect for shooting someone in the nuts when in an insufferably boring meeting).

This shit rocks.

Then, I figured that I may get some shit for buying a bunch of toys with no kids.

Oh, I?ve got a slew of nephews and a niece, but they ain?t getting any of this cool shit. Oh no, these are all MINE. I?ll get ?em some crayons or something glittery. Kids like that shit right?

The only way to play it straight though, is to start having some kids of my own. Hell, I figure it?ll be at least 5 years or so before they?ll actually want to play with MY toys. ?Til then I can just give ?em squishy, colorful, amoeba-like, amorphous creatures and let them drool and shit their baby-juices all over those.

They?ll not come near my Nerf Arsenal.

Unless I get to shoot them.

But I?m told that?s not cool to do with kids until they?re at least a few weeks old.

I may do it anyway. I AM an awesome shot after all, and the dogs book it outside the minute I even reach for anything shooty. Pussies.